Deliver me

As it is just now a few hours before the Ash Wednesday service, I'm starting to feel like I always feel as we enter the season of Lent...I have realized how much the mood of the liturgy affects my own mood. Which is good, cause that's what it's supposed to do :)

As I am sitting in the office, trying to get some work done, I've been listening to David Crowder Band a lot lately. Just as I was thinking about my mood getting lower and lower-it's not that I'm super sad, just finding myself entering the penitent attitude that begins Lent-the song "Deliver Me" came on.

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

CHORUS:
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

I think for me, this is a good song to begin reflecting on the season of Lent and God's role in my life. While I've discovered God, and lived joyfully into that discovery for the past few years especially, during this liturgical season of Lent I am called to specifically examine this. What do I need to surrender to God at this point, to encourage this relationship and dedication to my Maker even more? I know for certain I am being called to a greater prayer life, in consistency and content. I hope to discover great new things through Scriptural study and through the spiritual disciplines class I am leading at church in the coming weeks. While I haven't come to the one thing I truly need to be "delivered" of, I know it's there, and some earnest searching will lead me to the answer. In the meantime, I trust that all I do in God's name I do because I am called to do it, and that I am no longer trying to hide anything from God. So my prayer right now, God, is to be awakened anew to your call on my life. Continue to bring me into the light, so that I may understand what I need to shed and what I need to take on to continually grow in my faith, trust, and hope in you. Amen.

Life, death, hope.

I know it's been a long time, my dear reader (s?) Whoever you are out there, I guess it doesn't really matter...this is what's on my mind!

Last week I assisted at a funeral, which was done at our church. We were fortunate to be able to reach out to a family who did not have a church home. So our church was full, way more full than it was earlier that morning at worship, with almost no one I knew, and almost no one who regularly attended our church. Which was beautiful.

The funeral was for a man-a father, husband, brother, a man who was obviously loved-who lost his life suddenly because of a heart attack, at a time which people kept referring to as "too early". In so many ways, that is so true-when life is at its fullest, its richest, who expects it to end suddenly? And it makes it that much more difficult to deal with loss when it comes at a time not just unexpected, but when we are given the chance to lament all that should have been.

It isn't easy to witness the pain people feel, knowing that there are children who will grow up the rest of their life without that father there to guide them, coach them, love them. It's extremely difficult to see a community of people in mourning over the loss of life, because this man touched their lives in one way or another.

For me, this was just an intense time. The questions I heard all around me, about this man's loss of earthly life, were the same questions people were asking about Haiti. And so many times, these questions leave those of us who are left to ponder them asking what we can do, to support the family, to show love to the unloved, to provide for those who are in such great need.

When I came home last Sunday night, this funeral still on my mind, I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. That darn show is like my guilty pleasure-I have to watch it without Jon because he hates how ridiculously emotional they make people get and the ridiculous things they do to homes. I just love it. I love feeling excitement along with these people, I get so caught up in their stories. This family was struggling with a mother and wife whose cancer was at the point that it's not curable. She's going through chemo but knows the likely end. Jewel came along to help out this week, and at the end sang her song, "Hands" for the family. And that song spoke volumes to me about what I've experienced lately, from the devastation in Haiti, to the mourning I witnessed earlier that day. Here's the lyrics (I'm deleting some repetitiveness):

If I could tell the world just one thing

It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
[My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken]
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
[chorus]
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
[chorus]
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

I think in the end, it takes this kind of attitude to see beauty in despair, to see resurrection and new life in death. Earlier the previous week I was at a memorial service for one of our church members who passed away from Alzheimer's- a much different setting. The pastor who preached ended on a wonderful note, and I'll try to sum it up, but I know I don't do his words justice.

Sometimes in these times of sadness at the loss of life, we feel really far from God's grace and God's love. We feel like we're in hiding or something, being so far from God. But God has a way of hiding away amazing things. God hides huge oak trees in tiny acorns. God hides amazing women in little girls. And God hides eternal life in death.

I think when we ask ourselves about devastation and loss, we ask the wrong questions. Or, we ask the right questions but assume the wrong answers. While there is absolutely nothing good about the loss of life from the earthquake, it has been amazing to see the outpouring of support coming from so many different types of people. While there is absolutely nothing easy about the loss of a good man, it was incredible to see the support his community offered to one another and to his family who is left on earth.

I guess in the end, I am okay with these things. Yes, I cry over them, I mourn loss, I scream sometimes at how unfair this world seems. But in the end, I have to look around and realize that if I am not God's eyes, hands, heart, mind, and if others around me aren't willing to be the same, then we're forgetting a great promise that was given to us. God's kingdom is coming. We see glimpses of it all around us, but we know it's not yet fulfilled until all this hurt and suffering is gone. We have a small understanding of it now, but we can't even imagine how glorious it will be to experience when not one of our brothers and sisters in Christ has to worry about finding food, water, or shelter, or what it will be like always to rejoice in the glory of eternal life, rather than worrying about the finality of this life on this physical earth.

In these moments, my faith is akin to hope. It is fully aligned with the meaning of hope. My faith, in these times, is found in the hope that God will remain true to the promises made to God's people, that the kingdom of God will be realized on earth as it is in heaven. "Here and now, dear friends, we are God's children. What we shall be has not yet been revealed; but we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Those who have this hope purify themselves as Christ is pure."

done, finished, complete.

It's official, I have turned in my final papers, and today I returned the many library books I still had out...I am done with my seminary degree. Now, mind you, I still have to pass my final papers...but I'm not too worried about that.

I'm still not sure how I feel about being done. I'm not sure if I really understand that I'm done. If nothing else, right now I'm grateful to have a lot more time on my plate, not just for my job and those responsibilities, but for the other parts of my life that have been suffering. For instance, I've gone a little crazy decorating for Christmas. The other night, Jon came home and just started laughing at me as I was trying to find space for just about every Christmas-themed decoration, napkin, and dish that we had. Don't worry, I didn't succeed :)

And since I'm done, for the next few weeks most of my extra time and attention is going (or at least, should be going) to commissioning paperwork. In working on some questions, I was looking back at some class notes from my Studies in Wesley course this fall. One thing from the first day stuck out, and I think it's a good summation of how I feel about my time at Perkins. I've heard that some people in my conference aren't a huge fan of Perkins, because they don't teach you how to love Jesus, or that this is the most important thing you can do in ministry. First, I don't think that's true at all. But what my professor said about how Perkins functions I think sums it up real well.

He was talking about how people always ask the question, is this place liberal, or conservative? He said that Perkins provides a liberal arts presentation, whereby you are presented with a variety of material, and it's up to you to decide what to do with it. You decide how the information fits into your theology. You decide if it works into your understanding of ministry, and that understanding is hopefully formed by the academic work you've done throughout your time here. They don't tell you what to think, they encourage you to create your own thoughts, informed by a variety of theologies and information. And I think that's a pretty good way to go.

I don't know if I'm ready to be done, if only for the reason that I think there's still so much I have to learn. But I am oh-so-grateful for my time down here in Dallas, for the people we've met, for the support we've been shown both down here and from friends, family, and churches back home in Iowa. I am grateful that God somehow brought me down this path and enlightened my understanding of God's work in this world in ways I never could have imagined. In many ways, I think I was called to seminary before I was called to ministry, but through my time in seminary and the people here, I have recognized (and responded to more fully) a call to sacramental ordained ministry. And if that's the only thing I got out of seminary (which I know it's not!!) then I guess that's an okay thing :)

So thanks to you (if you're reading this I am assuming you've provided support for me in some way shape or form!), I made it. And thanks to God, it was great. Now, on to the next thing....

I'm trying...

...REALLY hard to be a better blogger. But this time of my life is just a little busy right now. However, at the request of someone who shall remain nameless (a former roommate of mine, does that help?) here's an update. It's boring, at least I think, but an update nonetheless.

Jon and I decorated our house for Christmas last night. It was wonderful, our first year of marriage we didn't decorate because we weren't even home for Christmas and we were in an apartment so it wouldn't have been all that fun anyway. Once we bought our house, we bought a tree, and have been acquiring decorations every since. I just love the Christmas season, as you can probably tell from my recent album on facebook. Tonight we are going to a Lessons and Carols service at Perkins, which I'm excited about. Sadly, halfway through my fourth year here, this is the first Lessons and Carols I have attended here, which is ridiculous because I'm sure it'll be amazing. Plus, it's getting all kinds of cold here (like, below freezing tonight!) and it even snowed yesterday morning, so it feels even MORE like "that time of year", at least more than it has in Texas since we moved here.

We went home for Thanksgiving, which was "special", it was great to see family and I will just leave it at that. We both had our District Committee Meetings for our ordination process and both received recommendations from the committee for the Board of Ordained ministry, the next step in the process, so now we need to be plowing through that paperwork to turn it in early January. Jon was told that they wished they could clone him, and I was told I was a bad listener, so hopefully those two balance out and we'll be just fine :)

On an unrelated note, I've been thinking about politics a lot lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because they usually drive me nuts and I want to enter into heated discussions about them but I feel like I know next to nothing about policy, candidates, etc so I usually keep my mouth shut. Any recommendations for a "U.S. Politics for dummies" type book? I've got plenty of opinions on the matter but I guess grad school has taught me the importance of support for your argument, and that's where I feel I'm lacking.

Anywho, I'm on a self-imposed deadline to finish a paper before the service at 7, so off I go. I turn in my final paper by Monday at 5 so at that point, at least a part of my life will be reclaimed, and perhaps I can think of more interesting things to blog about. I recently found the quote boards from my college roomies, that could provide an interesting topic of conversation...stay tuned!

Hasbro=meaningful ministry

So I have had two very blessed bible studies the past two nights. Honestly, I think they've been more of a blessing for me than for the participants.

Last night was our regular youth bible study, which in all actuality is more of a junior high boys bible study because of who our "regulars" are. We've been using curriculum that's taking us through the book of Genesis but I haven't really been feeling it lately. I had one of those *hit head here* days at school and was feeling pretty negative and by the time I got to the church to review the study I just knew this wasn't what I wanted to teach. So I started to think about what I needed to hear, hoping that I could relay that into a message that would speak to my students.

The word that kept popping into my head was joy. I knew that's what I needed to hear. Where I was taken was to Philippians 2:14-15:
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.

Was I ever convicted. This was the total problem with my attitude after class--complaints, arguing, I was 100% focused on and surrounded by negativity.



Our bible study ended up being a really good discussion (with three junior high boys, mind you) about what we complain about, why we argue with our parents, siblings, classmates, etc...then, we played Jenga.

As we took out each block we named something we had been negative about during the day, something we'd complained about, or someone we'd argued with. One of the things we talked about was how we make the decision as to what type of blocks build up our attitudes: blocks of negativity or blocks of good attitudes, which can help us to shine like stars in our world today.

It totally wasn't my intention but that game of Jenga was like a public confession. Who knew? And then we started building crazy towers, and making Jenga catapults...it was awesome. And totally what I needed.

Tonight was our senior bible study, and we read John 3. We had a good discussion about new birth, baptism, and assurance. Always good to throw in a little Wesley :)

So thanks, God, for leading me where I need to be led. And thanks for putting great students in my path to guide me along the way!

My teacher, let me see again...

I heard a great sermon tonight, from the Rev. Dr. James Bushfield. He preached on Mark 10:46-52:

10:46 They came to Jericho. As he and his disciples and a large crowd were leaving Jericho, Bartimaeus son of Timaeus, a blind beggar, was sitting by the roadside.

10:47 When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

10:48 Many sternly ordered him to be quiet, but he cried out even more loudly, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

10:49 Jesus stood still and said, "Call him here." And they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take heart; get up, he is calling you."

10:50 So throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus.

10:51 Then Jesus said to him, "What do you want me to do for you?" The blind man said to him, "My teacher, let me see again."

10:52 Jesus said to him, "Go; your faith has made you well." Immediately he regained his sight and followed him on the way.

He likened the blind man to beggars we see today. In fact, he made it a reality for those who were worshiping, as he had one person "play" the part of Bartemaeus, crying out "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" as the rest of us tried to silence him. The parallel carried throughout the whole story as Jesus is teaching not only the disciples but calling out to the church today:

• Those we see on the street have problems and needs. They cry out for help. But many times we pass them by. We silence them by not making eye contact, by not talking with them, by not seeing what their needs are.
  
• Jesus did not call Bartemaeus. He called the disciples to call Bartemaeus. This is Jesus' call to the church today: to bring those in need to Him.
  
• Bartemaeus left his cloak. He threw it off. This cloak, his livelihood. His home. The cloak that caught the coins and food that people gave to him. The cloak he might have made with his own two hands. Because being with Jesus was more important than the one thing in the world that meant the most to him. What do we keep in our clutches that's more important than running to Jesus for our needs?
• Then Bartemaeus asked Jesus if he could see, again. [Nota Bene: the NIV leaves out, "again"!!]This means at some point in his life, he could see before. He knew what it meant to see, how beautiful the world was around him. He yearned for the restoration of his sight. Those we encounter in need remember what it was like to be whole, to be healed, and are looking for that restoration. How can we help them to be whole before Christ again?
• The blind man's faith in Jesus' healing powers opened his eyes so that he could once again see.

Dr. Bushfield then related this to our call as seminarians, as professors, as whoever we were sitting in the chapel at Garrett this evening. At one point, we were called by God to be where we are now. But we need to remember that call, just as Bartemaeus remembered what it was like to see. So we prayed that God would open our eyes once again to the call that God has placed upon our lives to love and serve in His name (at least, that's what I prayed!). To put my whole trust into the God who created me to be who I am today-no matter where I serve, if it's a church of 20 or 200 or 2,000. If it's people who are 8 or 18 or 80. If it's in an open field, on a mountaintop, in a crumbling building, or in a gym. That God has a plan for me and my gifts in ministry, and that I could remain faithful and true in that calling. And that there would be people who support me along the way, and that they would affirm those gifts and this calling.

Thanks be to God, who somehow thought I had something to offer the world by means of a ministry that hopefully will someday bring glory to God's holy name!

Getting back into it...

Since returning from Ireland, I've been trying to figure out exactly what this blog should be-as in, what role it should play in my life and in sharing my life with others. First of all, I have no idea if anyone even reads it. Which doesn't mean I won't update it, but it does make you wonder...Secondly, I suppose that the role of blogs is to keep people up to date on your life, share things about your life, etc, but I'm not all that sure that my life is very interesting in the first place. We don't have kids, we don't do exciting things all that often (Ireland was the highlight of, well, probably our life together aside from the whole marriage/honeymoon thing).

I think what I've come up with is that I really am feeling the need to share a lot of my thoughts on the upcoming year when a lot of potential changes happen for Jon and I as we complete seminary, (hopefully) receive our Master's, graduate, move back to Iowa, become commissioned, and start work in full time ministry in the United Methodist Church. All of this especially in light of the physical distance between many of our friends and all of our families seems to me to highlight the importance of keeping people up to date on the process and our thoughts along the way.

So with that being said, I'm sorry if you find this blog boring :). But to us it's interesting, because it's life.

And now, my recent thoughts...

I am taking a class this semester that I absolutely positively love. It's called Studies in Wesley and it's with the professor who led our trip to Northern Ireland. Basically each class period we read 5 or 6 of Wesley's sermons, someone presents a paper on their analysis of them, and then we talk. It has been a great way to solidify not just my foundations but the reasons why I belong to and desire to uphold the practices of the UMC. And I think it's great timing to take this class when I am because by the end of this year (December 2009) I will be well into the paperwork required to apply for ordination, in which I have to defend, describe, define, etc all aspects of my work in ministry--why I want to do it, the traditions behind it, etc. So as I go through this course I feel like these questions are always on my mind-which makes me wonder, am I ready for this? I am one month in to my final semester of seminary and in a lot of ways I feel like I need to start over again.

So while I'm super stressed about this, I guess all this is to say that I just have been doing a lot of praying lately-for peace, that I am on the right path. For strength-that I can be firm in what I believe and not let institutions cause that to waver. For clarity-both in my call and how I communicate it.

All this on top of everyday life :) So stay posted, because more thoughts and reflection are to come-some positive, a lot of questioning, some negative...and if you've been there before, I gladly welcome feedback. That's all for now.